“Jealousy is an
emotion, and the word typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of
insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something of great
personal value, particularly in reference to a human connection. Jealousy often
consists of a combination of emotions such as anger, resentment, inadequacy,
helplessness and disgust. (…)” (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jealousy)
Everyone knows that feeling. There is always something
we would like to have which is in possession of other people: material things,
money, jobs, partners, etc.
http://dydara.files.wordpress.com/2011/02/jealousy.jpg
An Irish writer Elizabeth Bowen once wrote,
"Jealousy is no more than feeling alone against smiling enemies." This
quote refers to the jealousy caused by other people. However, can we feel
jealous without direct participation of others?
Yes, we can. First of all, such a feeling is caused by things that others have and we
wish we had the same. The other reason could be self-critical thoughts - very
often it is caused by shyness, lack of self-confidence or sense of
insecurity. Sometimes jealousy/envy is not the ultimate feeling, but a prelude
to being mean.
https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEha8pObBvYn_EU4rkE389IS0wNpM1trL_GOBSvCFFwGjTr25WYfI0OKvyZJC6lx5LOLgS6tDRXaSfO5MfvvC207ivDdpmET1cVWnsBZNjNsdz2DYsiYkX6UsrO4SAigwZaA_wh8OCPysFk/s1600/a-763.jpg
The most common jealousy concerns partners or people we would like to be with. Sometimes we’re also jealous of our friends
and time their spend with other people.
http://www.crownofbeautymagazine.com/images/JealousyCrop-002.jpg
The stereotype says that women are more jealous than
men. Is it true? Please find below an article about jealousy in relationships,
where the author is trying to find an answer to this question.
According to this article, seventy-three percent of
women admitted to feeling jealous, as opposed to 27 percent of men. Trying to
justify such a large spread in the survey results the author poses the
following thesis: due to the fact that jealousy is characterized as a feminine
trait, women simply admit to jealousy more easily than men. I have to admit I agree
with this statement. What is your opinion?
How to deal with jealousy and envy?
I really encourage you to see a movie I embed below which
in my opinion gives our jealousy the correct size and shows how to deal with it in 3 quite simple steps:
- Acknowledge
- Communicate
- Resolve
Dr. Megan Todd Ph.D. specializing in
Relationship, Trauma and Sex Therapy who is inter alia a member of the American
Psychological Association (APA) , divides jealousy in relationships into two types:
1. Delusional
jealousy, which is based on threats which aren't real and is often fuelled by
an unchecked imagination.
2. Realistic jealousy, which is based on actual
occurrences.
To deal with jealousy related to relationships it is
also good to add some additional steps and answer such questions as: Why am I with this person? What
are the root causes of my jealousy?
The most popular theory about jealousy says that it is
caused by the lack of confidence. Do you agree with that? Are you often jealous? Do you feel envy? Do
such feelings motivate you to work harder or quite the opposite? What are the
reasons of your jealousy?
Agnieszka, jealousy is a great topic! You said, that jealousy is caused “by things that others have and we wish we had the same”. I agree with what you wrote, and if I can say more - in my opinion that negative feeling is intensified by mass culture. You might ask in what way? For me, mass culture and images it creates tries to convince us that in order to have a decent and valuable life we need to possess many material goods. But in fact, after all, having them does not bring the effect desired.
ReplyDeleteYou also mentioned that one of the reasons causing people envy others is a lack of confidence and I agree with you. People tend to create their own image on the basics of their career, personal relationships, their looks, everything that is valuable for them. In situations when they do not success in any of those fields which are crucial to them the failure makes them feel worse, valueless. They start to compare themselves with those who succeeded and perceive others' lives as better. By making those comparisons they start to feel various feeling towards them, mainly jealousy, anger and animosity.
Am I often jealous or do I feel envy? I think not. I can not recall a situation in which by comparing myself to others I felt jealous. I am quite satisfied with my life. Of course there are things that I would change for better, but honestly, if I envy someone, I even do not realize it and it does not have an impact on my life.
Thank you Piotr :)
DeleteI totally agree with you - mass culture has a huge impact on people. Magazines, commercials, corporations.. It just helps to make money.
You wrote you don't even realize if you envy someone. Do you think we are always aware of the jealousy? Maybe it is just a factor making us more active and conscious of our actions and choices?
It is difficult for me to give an answer for the first question. It seems to me that it is such a strong feeling, that it is hard to overlookor misinterpret it. Does jealousy compel us to be more active? I think so, but in my opinion the actions we take and choices we make under the influence of jealousy not necessarly make us better people and sometimes do not allow to fulfil our dreams. I associate jealousy only with bad choices and wrong actions. It does not motivate, only destroys.
DeleteYour opinion convinces me, when I look back to see what jealousy caused in my life I can't say it helped me in something. I have learned a lot but definitely do not owe anything jealosuy - beyond life experience.
DeleteAgnieszka, I can say that jealous is feeling I’m not familiar with. I admit that sometime I would like to have something that is in possession of someone else but I do not feel negative emotions. I think this way – what I can do to have this. If this is for example a car or newest laptop – I’m searching of other ways to acquire that good – like purchasing used one or something like that. I think of jealous as of feeling that is very negative, and I do not want to feel negative emotions. Envy is also for me negative emotion. I can say that I sometimes feel envy but this motivates me to do something. I always try to think: What to do to feel better in a good way! I sometimes was a target of jealous/envy feeling and it ended badly for me mostly as I lost some friends because they were in power of this “green eye monster”.
ReplyDeleteI do not think that men are less jealous than women. I think that this is more an outcome of personal character and good upbringing. What do you think?
I want to add something – envy is something else for me than jealous.
DeleteSławek, since it motivates you, why you think so badly about envy?
DeleteAbout men and women I agree - it depends on people. I'm not a fan of theory that one or other side is more jealous. I also think that very often jealousy is related to age and experience. Greater awareness makes us more resistant to the actions of green eye monster.
I just think about envy as negative emotion. I just do without aby background :)
DeleteI think that women are more likely to be jealous than men. This may be effect of the fact that men do not care so much for the others opinion?
DeleteI agree with Agnieszka. I feel that more years in the calendar give some resistance to jealousy. As for me I don't even remember being jealous because of any material things or things which can be achieved with some real effort. But in personal affairs case I find envy hard to maintain with any type of "realistic" thinking. Being jealous is for me integral part of deep trust relationships and sometimes it can go out of control. As people are older they start to recognise the roots of such feelings. As far as I'm concerned envy in realtionships are always caused by some mistakes on one's side. It's not any "natural phenomenon" that just sometimes occures - it's just mistake waiting to be acknowledged.
DeleteAnother thing is....Sławek, why do you think envy is different from jealousy? I always thought they have the same meaning in english. I know, that even in polish "zazdrość" has a blurry meaning, but is there any official difference between those two in english?
I’ll start with an introduction of situation… Nothing special or uncommon but my boyfriend happens to be a photographer. Can you imagine how many beautiful girls he shot so far…? Going even further, can you imagine your partner photographing acts… Well, I can. So, jealousy isn’t so unfamiliar for me as for my noble fellow English-bloggers. I need to agree however that the feeling is negative and almost never brings good. But… since I didn’t want jealousy to influence our relation I read, search and learn about how it works. To understand and be able to fight it. And finally TED talks were a great source of knowledge for me. You may take a look at the movie: http://www.ted.com/talks/parul_sehgal_an_ode_to_envy.html
ReplyDeleteIt told me everything I needed to hear. How jealousy works, why is it so powerful, how come it so accurately touches the worse pain points… Being aware all of that helps a lot. I truly recommend the movie to all your jealous girlfriends ☺ Proud to say I’m not one of them any more ☺
I'm glad you're not jealous anymore - always keep in mind your boyfriend is with you for reasons - with you, not with girls he's working with. Such thoughts always help me :) Thank you Kasia for the link! It is really good and I hope it's gonna help if someone here has a problem with jealousy. For me it's too late.. I had to do my homework few years ago and learn from my own mistakes. If someday I'll start to forgetting my lesson then I'll go back to this TED for sure :)
DeleteI do not want to look at everything the wrong way, but in terms of men, that he chose someone, it does not mean anything ... And it may refer at all to the people? It is a matter of fairness. But do not for that matter ....
DeleteI think jealousy in relationships between men and women can only confuse and spoil everything. I think jealousy in this case, is seen as a sign of lack of confidence.
Iza, for me fairness is the matter here.
DeleteAccording to your point: " in terms of men, that he chose someone, it does not mean anything". I don't get it. You mean men are men and always are not fair?
First time I don't agree with you :)
No, I did not say, that man are always not fair.
DeleteWhat I mean is that people generally are not always fair, and I simply don't believe in everything I hear. I've seen to many times double life - maybe that's why I don't trust people too much.
In such case I agree with you. But I think we have two different subjects here: jealousy and trust. Jealousy is mostly caused by luck of trust but luck of trust does not always mean the appearance of jealousy. At least I think so.
Deleteinteresting topic indeed !
ReplyDeletewhen I was thinking about my comment to this post , I was trying to remember last time I felt jealous or envy... and I couldn't remember.
In the same time , I remember clearly that when I was a kid I often felt that way.
It will be too primitive to say that jealous is a feeling more connected to children and emotionally not grown up people. But in the same time , it would probably be fair to say that when a person builds its own life , by its own rules - jealous going away more and more. Because who is to blame rather than you for what you have or haven't?
I agree with mass culture aspect, we've been discussing it earlier when talking about success.
Do you agree that jealous and envy more appealed to people who is more social ? Meaning that if you care less about what other think about you - you feel jealous or envy less often ?
I think you're right, because if you're less social you just don't care. But sometimes such people are jelaous about... being more social. But still I think jealousy depends on individual character more than some kind of people. And I think sometimes we're jealous "just because". Because of small things - because we had no time during the weekend to spend a time with family and someone else had, because we had to wake up early and our "second half" could stay longer in bed, etc. Small things and small thoughts. You remember any? :)
DeleteYou could be right. I'm definitely not social and I don't know jealousy from daily routine. So, I'm the one, small case supporting your thesis.
Deletebtw , just a good song to the topic:
ReplyDeletehttp://grooveshark.com/s/Stolen+Car+All+Would+Envy+live/2G468U?src=5
I think that it is important to distinguish two feelings: to be jealous of somebody and be filled with envy at someone’s property.
ReplyDeleteI am completely not able to understand the jealousy of something , because some things can be bought , achieved by hard work or we need to accept the fact that someone was lucky. It is in our nation to envy our neighbour - the so-called " polactwo " (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V2sedTLIRWU - sorry that it's not in English, but I couldn't find piece with subtitles), which often can be heard on the street or while reading on the Internet. We are a nation with a complex, who usually looks to the other , instead of looking at ourselves. This is what positivists were writing about - "Working at the core " and " Organic Work " . Let's start with ourselves , not look at the others.
As for the jealousy of others ... I have to agree with the statement that jealousy of someone is closely associated with the lack of confidence , but not only ours, but also from others as well. Each relationship should be built on trust, but if we see signs that we are concerned about , it is wise to talk and tell your friend / partner , because relations need to be cultivated and it is worth recalling : " Yes, you are very important to me ." Sometimes it is good to be a little jealous , it's a sign that we care about the other person , but it is important not to overdo the provocation , and that jealousy does not become morbid . Otherwise this is waiting for us (based on my favourite TV series ) :
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j3J34QxlRds - South Park
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cb61TlkmwGg - Family Guy
Jakub, I totally agree with you, the only thing I can add: link you have given (part of the movie "Dzień Świra") is genious - unfortunately... To be honest whole movie is brilliant, such a shame that it is so true.
DeleteIs it jealousy caused by the lack of self-confidence? I think the jealousy of somebody, yes. Especially in relationship.
ReplyDeleteSelf-confidence is the knowledge that we are extremely attractive to a our partner, that our relationship is strong. If we lack this confidence we fear, to a greater degree, that our partner will leave us. Find someone who will be more interested.
Despite this, I believe that a small, not pathological jealousy is needed in relationship. Feeling jealous shows the lack of indifference. It motivates to engage for the other person.
I agree with the statement that women more easily admit to jealousy than men. Show (admit) this feeling is one thing, feel jealousy is another. I think it all depends on the character of person.
Sometimes I want to have what, someone else has. Is it jealousy? I don’t feel anger to the person who bought something. I don’t feel sadness, resentment, inadequacy, helplessness and disgust or anything like that because of this fact. According to the definition of jealousy - it excludes. Like others, I try to figure what to do to also buy it. I define myself a new goal and striving to achieve it.
If my friend succeed in the fields of medicine, banking or building industry - I enjoyed with him. Jealousy? Certainly not. I’m not a specialist in this field. I did not reach this. Motivation? Indeed. I must work harder. Then I also succeed in my field.
I must honestly say this is not a topic for me (thank you for posting Agnieszka, though). Nothing really comes to my mind when I think of jealousy. But the question of internet privacy suddenly pops up when I think of it. Everything that I type here will remain visible for anyone for years probably and if I put here my thoughts and feelings it will be accessible for everyone. So in fact I'm not open to discussing my personal feelings, feelings in my relationship or even feelings in general on a public forum where every word can be eventually used against me. But thanks for the topic Agnieszka :)
ReplyDeleteGreat article, I couldn't differentiate envy from jealousy and Agnieszka motivated me to finally look it up :)
ReplyDeleteI cannot quite comment on the statistics of 'amount' of jealousy of men vs women - as it was said above, I think it is a matter of personality. Regarding 'lack of confidence' as a main factor of the feeling of jealousy, I don't think this is the only issue, when we are considering the aspect of parner relationship. One can be also jealous of his/her partner owing to lack of trust to his/her second half. This, however, may be determined by another set of beliefs about a partner, such as previous behaviours, conflicts, suspicions and so on.
I agree with all of you, who were on point with envy being a result of one's dreams or expectations of life, which a person could not achieve, but thinks he/she deserves it in some way. The 'Polactwo' cliche is a very good example, as in the times of PRL two or three generations of Polish citizens were steered towards the mindset of 'equality-is-a-must' and thinking about people who have 'more', as 'enemies'.
I find it interesting that not a single person among the previous commenters admitted to feeling jealous sometimes. At least not at this point of their lives. To the contrary - most people were pretty adamant that jealousy was not something related to their lives. I wonder why is that. Are we a group of people that just happens to be unique in that fashion? Jealousy is considered an emotion that is universal among human beings, but it seems like the concept is completely foreign to people in this class.
ReplyDeleteMaybe the reason is, people often tend to miscategorize their own feelings. Often when we feel jealous, we perceive other people as the source of the problem, and forget to stop and think about the real source of our feelings. "It's not that I feel jealous" - we think - "it's the other people that behave unreasonable, and make my angry (or sad). This has nothing to do with me". We forget that what we feel has as much to do with what happens within our minds, as it has to do with what happens in the outside world.
Anyway, there is nothing more for me to add, because I don't get jealous, so the concept is pretty foreign to me. I guess I'm just unique in that fashion.
I have to say I also noticed that here we have only one vocie - "I'm not jealous" :) Only Kasia described her feelings before she discovered TED. But to be honest I hope all of us will feel jealous as rarely as possible.
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI have to say that I can't recall any situation in which I felt jealous. Not of my girlfriend nor of material things. Like Sławek, sometimes I want to have some gadgets owned by others, but also for me this feeling is never associated with negative, destructive emotions. My needs are, to some degree at least, created by commercials, but happily my emotions come from within. (I hope so...)
ReplyDeleteFrom my point of view, there is a lot of negative emotions in our society. Especially this is quite a common, vivid saying of stereotypical polish man "why would you, boor, have better situation than me?!" which is sadly, quite often in the neighborhood. It is something like disease, people can only see the bright side of someones happines or calling it luck or even more realistic, thievery (when coming to material things). They cannot see the effort someone put into or renunciations. This topic is quite a neverending story..
ReplyDeletewhen coming to feelings and relations - I suppose a bit of jealousy is neccessary. A bit, right. Really a little bit. It often helps to see many things, creates a feeling that the another person really needs you. It may sound awkward but the opposite (ignoring that) is often retreived as a lack of interest.
On the other hand, when it is over this "a very little bit", it is terrible and easly leads to breakup:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yh0AhrY9GjA
there is a well-known sample, which is a spreadly used meme (yes, again :):
I would strongly recommend reading about the origins, at least:
http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/overly-attached-girlfriend
and notable examples are really "nice" - if one of your (ouh!) have ever been in similar situation, it can make you smile a bit :)
To me I'm totally not feeling the jealousy related to "wanting someone that someone else has" thing, but I'm familiar with another form of jealousy - about whether someone is fully loyal. I'm also not really a jealous type of person and am giving my partners rather big freedom as long as they are honest. So the thing I don't like the most is dishonesty and lack of loyalty. I'm not jealous when someone likes my partner etc. I'm just concerned to remain the most important person in her life. Still, I'm not bothered by that often or to a large extent, I just said this is the form I am familiar with.
ReplyDeleteI've never been like "ooh this guy has this nice house I'd love to have, such an a*hole" ;-) I was always like "man, cool house, how to get one like those?". I never felt jealous about other persons' possessions - if I wanted one like those, it always only inspired me to try to get them myself and in "worst" cases I asked how they got them or asked for advice from people who "had it all" - so it was more like inspiration than jealousy, totally.
I agree it's connected to confidence as well - I think people who think they are "not good enough" to have something resort to jealousy. If you think you're not good enough for your partner, you will be jealous about every little thing and lose her/him in the end. If you believe you're good enough and just be your best self around them, you don't even have to worry.